A Cookware Cover Letter / Frank Trench

Dear sir/madam:
I am submitting my application for the cookware position in your household.  As an experienced frying pan with virtually universal applications, I am confident that my qualifications align with this position. I want to help your family succeed in the goal of  remaining happy and well-fed.  My references will be furnished upon request.
At the risk of sounding arrogant, I say with complete confidence that I am the best piece of cookware in existence.  Whatever you need cooked, I’m the pan you need.  Roast meat, stir fry veggies, cook eggs over medium, warm tortillas, saut√© greens, toast bread, you name it.  Life is too short to waste time with unreliable nonstick cookware.  Forget about anodized metal, aluminum, or Teflon.
Allow me to digress with a bit of history: People have been using cast iron for a long time.  The Chinese invented it more than 2,000 years ago and in that time no one has come up with a better piece of cookware.  Aluminum, through useful in many contexts, has no place in the kitchen.  And as for Teflon, it was created when a global chemical company decided to monkey around with tetrafluoroethylene gas.  This is a fact.  This is history.  I won’t besmirch Teflon’s reputation with conspiracy theories, but what does your gut tell you to trust: ancient Chinese know-how or tetrafluoroethylene gas experiments?
My background gives me the following skills and experience:
Versatility - I work on the stove top or in the oven.  Bake me, broil me, doesn’t matter.  Moreover, should you decide to go camping you can place me right over the campfire.  I dare you to try that with Teflon.  Actually, don’t do that because you’ll ruin your pan and get molten Teflon on yourself.
Preparation: The key is curing the metal and building a patina.  Some cast iron pans come pre-cured.  Those that don’t can be cured quite easily.  Curing means adhering a layer of fat onto my metal, thereby creating a nonstick coating without the need of exotic chemicals. 
History: I am ancient technology in the present.  With me you will traverse time and space.  Think of ancient China or 15th century Europe or frontier America or anywhere today.  I am there.  Imagine future space travel to the moon, Mars, and beyond.  I’ll be there.  Join me.
Cleaning: I should be cleaned with only two things: water and a nylon brush.  Cleansers have no place even coming near my patina.  You scrub me, dry me, coat me with oil, and I’m ready to go.  
Nutrition:  I actually add iron to your food.  Granted it’s not enough to live on, but it fortifies your diet. I’m a $40 piece of cookware that lasts forever and improves your health.
Endurance: As mentioned, I will last more or less forever, or at least when compared to even the most exceptional human.  I’ll survive anything short of a nuclear strike.  I’m multi-generational (if you’re into that kind of philosophy).  Disposability is not a desirable trait.  Hand me down to your children and their children.  I’m an heirloom in the making.  It’s up to you make it happen.
Multi-facetedness: I am a heavy object.  At 14” in diameter, I easily weigh 30 pounds (13.6kg), which my shape distributes quite unevenly.  Using me requires a proper grip and a certain level of upper body strength.  You will exercise your arm and shoulder muscles via regular usage.  As an unintended result, I can serve as a formidable, if not lethal weapon.  If armed marauders invade your home, you’ll be able to fend them off with a properly wielded cast iron pan.  A well delivered blow to the head or neck should incapacitate just about anyone.  Though a home invasion is unlikely, it’s good to be prepared, and I’m the next best thing to a Rottweiler. 
Aesthetics: In this category I am peerless among other cookware.  I’m an unadorned and well-crafted black pan, a simple yet powerful piece of metal.  I am a work of art that’s simultaneously ancient and modern.  I’m a cool object.
Given my relevant experience and skills, I feel that I’m the perfect candidate to be your cookware. I look forward to answering any questions you may have.
Sincerely, 

Cast iron skillet

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