A Cookware Cover Letter / Frank Trench

Dear sir/madam:
I am submitting my application for the cookware position in your household.  As an experienced frying pan with virtually universal applications, I am confident that my qualifications align with this position. I want to help your family succeed in the goal of  remaining happy and well-fed.  My references will be furnished upon request.
At the risk of sounding arrogant, I say with complete confidence that I am the best piece of cookware in existence.  Whatever you need cooked, I’m the pan you need.  Roast meat, stir fry veggies, cook eggs over medium, warm tortillas, sauté greens, toast bread, you name it.  Life is too short to waste time with unreliable nonstick cookware.  Forget about anodized metal, aluminum, or Teflon.
Allow me to digress with a bit of history: People have been using cast iron for a long time.  The Chinese invented it more than 2,000 years ago and in that time no one has come up with a better piece of cookware.  Aluminum, through useful in many contexts, has no place in the kitchen.  And as for Teflon, it was created when a global chemical company decided to monkey around with tetrafluoroethylene gas.  This is a fact.  This is history.  I won’t besmirch Teflon’s reputation with conspiracy theories, but what does your gut tell you to trust: ancient Chinese know-how or tetrafluoroethylene gas experiments?
My background gives me the following skills and experience:
Versatility - I work on the stove top or in the oven.  Bake me, broil me, doesn’t matter.  Moreover, should you decide to go camping you can place me right over the campfire.  I dare you to try that with Teflon.  Actually, don’t do that because you’ll ruin your pan and get molten Teflon on yourself.
Preparation: The key is curing the metal and building a patina.  Some cast iron pans come pre-cured.  Those that don’t can be cured quite easily.  Curing means adhering a layer of fat onto my metal, thereby creating a nonstick coating without the need of exotic chemicals. 
History: I am ancient technology in the present.  With me you will traverse time and space.  Think of ancient China or 15th century Europe or frontier America or anywhere today.  I am there.  Imagine future space travel to the moon, Mars, and beyond.  I’ll be there.  Join me.
Cleaning: I should be cleaned with only two things: water and a nylon brush.  Cleansers have no place even coming near my patina.  You scrub me, dry me, coat me with oil, and I’m ready to go.  
Nutrition:  I actually add iron to your food.  Granted it’s not enough to live on, but it fortifies your diet. I’m a $40 piece of cookware that lasts forever and improves your health.
Endurance: As mentioned, I will last more or less forever, or at least when compared to even the most exceptional human.  I’ll survive anything short of a nuclear strike.  I’m multi-generational (if you’re into that kind of philosophy).  Disposability is not a desirable trait.  Hand me down to your children and their children.  I’m an heirloom in the making.  It’s up to you make it happen.
Multi-facetedness: I am a heavy object.  At 14” in diameter, I easily weigh 30 pounds (13.6kg), which my shape distributes quite unevenly.  Using me requires a proper grip and a certain level of upper body strength.  You will exercise your arm and shoulder muscles via regular usage.  As an unintended result, I can serve as a formidable, if not lethal weapon.  If armed marauders invade your home, you’ll be able to fend them off with a properly wielded cast iron pan.  A well delivered blow to the head or neck should incapacitate just about anyone.  Though a home invasion is unlikely, it’s good to be prepared, and I’m the next best thing to a Rottweiler. 
Aesthetics: In this category I am peerless among other cookware.  I’m an unadorned and well-crafted black pan, a simple yet powerful piece of metal.  I am a work of art that’s simultaneously ancient and modern.  I’m a cool object.
Given my relevant experience and skills, I feel that I’m the perfect candidate to be your cookware. I look forward to answering any questions you may have.

Cast iron skillet