Shower Curtains / Evelyn Rose
In the Shower Curtain section of the department store:
Frilly & Lacy: I am the most beautiful shower curtain in the store, can we all admit that?
Shabby Chic: You’re a bit ostentatious, if you ask me. I’m just as aesthetically pleasing, and a lot more humble. Plus I’m affordable.
Frilly & Lacy: You cost the same as I do! You only look more affordable.
Shabby Chic: Are you calling me cheap?
Frilly & Lacy: If the price tag fits...
Map of the World: Shut up, you two. You’ve both got style, but no substance. I’m the most educated of us all. People will get tired of you and eventually change their taste in décor. Yet nobody can tire of me. I am, quite literally, the whole world.
Bold Prints: First off, you are not “literally” the whole world. You are a shower curtain with a poorly detailed map of the world printed on you. And second, none of you assholes scream personality, like I do. I’m all about attitude, which is what you need to get ahead in this world.
Liner: Hey you guys, we’re all important. I don’t think we should make this a competition.
Shabby Chic: Well, I certainly wouldn’t say we’re in competition with you, Liner. You’re see-through and plain.
Liner: That’s true...but...
Frilly & Lacy: People spend a lot of time in the bathroom. They want to be surrounded by beauty, to add some class to the room so they can pretend that the things that happen there don’t really happen. I help them make believe that life is always clean and pretty.
Map of the World: They want more than to just pretend, Frilly. They want, above all else, to be productive—especially the Americans. I let them do that, by letting them learn about the world outside the bathroom. I allow them to feel as if they’re getting somewhere in their lives, even while they are, quite literally, sitting in one place.
Bold Prints: Now that’s the right use of literally, Map.
Inspiring Quotes: What use is teaching them about the world if they aren’t inspired to do anything with that knowledge? People need to be reminded to seize their dreams, to dance like nobody is watching, and to shower as if they’re not getting ready for another day at their soul-sucking job. They need ME!
Map of the World: They’ll get lost if they follow their dreams with no map.
Liner: Are we still arguing about who’s the best? Can’t we agree that we’re all worthwhile, and that we are each special in our own way?
Bold Prints: Does anybody hear somebody very boring talking? I didn’t think so.
Frilly & Lacy: Oh snap! You are so BOLD!
Bold Prints: You know it, Frill. I don’t have the time or the patience for some plain-ass utility curtain that doesn’t understand the kind of world we live in these days. It’s a dog eat dog, cutthroat place. You gotta have the drive to succeed. And success is getting into that bathroom.
Inspiring Quotes: OMG, I’m so inspired right now!
Map of the World: Everybody hush. Man and a woman headed straight for us.
Shabby Chic: Everybody look your best. Well, except you, Liner. You try not to make the rest of us look bad.
Everyone snickers, except Liner.
Woman: Oh here it is, the shower curtains.
Man: What? We’ve already got that shower curtain that makes it look like you’re showering in the rain forest.
The shower curtains stifle their sounds of disgust.
Woman: I know, but our liner is getting old. We need a new one.
She takes Liner off the rack and puts it into the cart.
Man: Oh yeah, good call. Shower curtains are useless without the liner.
They roll their cart away.
The shower curtains are silent for the first time since they were stocked.
After a moment...
Map of the World: Bunch of idiots.
Bold Prints: They’ve probably never taken showers in their lives.
Shabby Chic: Yeah.... But maybe liner
Frilly & Lacy: Hold that thought—lady with a baby at 12 o’clock.
Inspiring Quotes: Seize the day, everyone. We’re back in business!