A Brief History of the Foam Roller / Mike Piskur

1971 - Dense polypropylene foam is accidentally invented during an industrial waste incident at a massive petrochemical refinery in West Virginia.

1986 - Inspired by Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, in which a large grey, cigar-shaped alien probe threatens Earth, a forgotten inventor from Fresno, California, works for a company that produced polypropylene crash test dummies for the government. That company has long since succumbed to federal charges of tax evasion and general malfeasance, but its memory lives on in the humble yet magical foam roller.

1987 - The nameless inventor, while drunk on cheap gin and Fresca, fell under the spell of an idea. The memory of the movie's alien probe resurfaced long enough to inspire him to create a long, cylindrical tube from the material used to make simulated heads, torsos, and limbs. He had no particular purpose in mind for this cylinder, but he knew he'd created the perfect shape - a monument to modernism, advanced material science, manufacturing prowess, and the inevitable progress of humankind.

The nameless inventor is nameless because history has forgotten him. He never capitalized on his drunken vision, never figured out how to transform pure form into product.

1996 - Just weeks before his death, the nameless inventor posted the technical specs for the foam cylinder to an AOL forum.

2002 - The GlomCo corporation discovered the schematic and begins production of the foam roller as an exercise device.

2021 - The foam roller began to improve millions of lives! The Foam Roller lobby encouraged economic stimulus packages to include a roller for every adult and child. Hired lobbyists contacted representatives across the country to ensure the availability of this essential item. Big Foam Roller's man in the White House delivered on his promise.

A foam roller in every home! Every spine properly aligned. An America with better backs and fascial tissue was at hand! The post-COVID society will be a better place, if we seize this moment and win the future one foam roller and one vertebrae at a time.

2025 - All hail the foam roller! Let it fill the god-shaped cylindrical hole in your soul and the long gaps in your day. Just lay back upon the foam roller. Spread your fascial tissue. Roll out sore and tight muscles. Ease decades of congealed pain. Scratch that itch, release years of stress pressed into bundled fiber.

Do you feel the pull? The nagging feeling that there's something more? That a fundamental thing is missing from your life? Do you try to fill the void with food, alcohol, other drugs? Find the one true way that only the foam roller can provide.

2043 - Each day begins with a silent prayer to the cylinder. Then we practice.

Lay supine for 60 seconds. never prostrate. Never prone.

Genuflect.

Ablutions.

Lay supine. Never prostrate.

Genuflect.

Alignment is next to godliness. Alignment is the path to salvation.

<chorus> Alignment! Alignment! Alignment!

Never prostrate! Never prone!

Posture keeps you away from the road to perdition. The righteous path is curved like the spinal cord, subtly arching toward freedom. The golden ratio: lumbar curve, thoracic curve, cervical curve - all in harmony.

The black cylinder brings us ever closer to the true way.