In These Quarantine Times (and Beyond), Shall We Wear Pants or No Pants? / Charlotte Hamilton

Argument: Pants

Make me feel professional, human.

Prevent viral Zoom moments by wearing pants!

Why did I spend so much money on pants if I’m not going to wear them anymore?

In the before days I bought a pair of pink/purple corduroys in a fit of whimsy but was too self-conscious to wear them. Now that nobody can see me from the waist down besides my cats, I wear them all the time.

Pants represent the last bastion of our former way of living. If we forgo pants, what are we if not mere members of the animal kingdom with no superiority in the natural world (is what I imagine somebody who is not me would argue).

I really don’t need to see my legs all day.

What if I have my period and need an extra layer of protection?

Men need a place to put their wallets. If they don’t have pockets they’ll have to buy purses and that will only drive up the price of purses (j/k it’ll drive the price down as long as they’re not pink, forget I said anything).

It draws less blood when my cats claw me through fabric.

If I don’t keep my tissues in my pants pockets where will I keep them? I tried stuffing them up my shirt sleeves but then I forget until I’ve put ten of them up there and realize I look like I’m wearing an outfit from the late 1800s.

It’s like you haven’t even thought about how the pants will feel if we all stop wearing them, you monsters.

Sometimes it gets cold without pants on.

They hug your butt and legs when nobody else is allowed to.

Argument: No Pants

Tiny misogynistic pockets on lady pants—no longer a problem!

If I wear them I might have to wash them.

If I have to wash them they might get holes in the butt area and I won’t be able to wear them in the later days, if pants are still a thing then.

Why not instead wear beautiful dresses? Wear the ones that make you feel like a princess, like when you were four and your future stretched before you all sparkly and filled with promise, adventure, and the great wondrous unknown. REMEMBER WHAT THAT FELT LIKE??

Sometimes it gets hot with pants on.

Do leggings count as pants? Because when this is over, leggings should be the only acceptable form of pants.

My favorite pair of leggings is from the pyramid scheme company that caused the financial ruin of many a millennial.

So I can’t buy any more of those, ethically speaking.

Which is another reason not to wear pants. I need to make those leggings last forever.

Part of my stomach pooches out over the top of my pants, such that when I’m not wearing pants, the overpooch still exists. If I wear no pants for enough days, I theorize that my stomach will become flat. (This doesn’t solve the problem of nobody being around to see my flat stomach besides my cats who, frankly, do not seem to care.)

Now that I think about it, that overpooch problem could also be solved by a leggings-only society.

You don’t have to bend over to put on no pants.